Living nonviolent communication - Practical tools to connect and communicate skillfully in every situation
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A must-read, like all Rosenber's book and work.
A BRIEF INTRODUCTION TO NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION
NVC, is a powerful model of communication, but it goes far beyond that. It is a way of being, thinking, and living in the world.
Its purpose is to inspire heartfelt connections between ourselves and other people—connections that allow everyone’s needs to be met through compassionate giving. It inspires us and others to give from the heart. It also helps us connect to our inner divinity and to what is alive in us moment to moment.
We could say that NVC is a language of compassion, but it is really a language of life in which compassion comes naturally.
The model shows us how to express what is alive in us and to see what is alive in other people. Once we get clear about what is alive in us, we can look at what we can do to enrich that life.
The theory that has been around for many centuries says that violence and exploitation happen because people are innately evil, selfish, or violent. But I have seen people who aren’t like that; I have seen many people who enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being.
Feelings When Needs Are Fulfilled
Feelings When Needs Are Not Fulfilled
Some Basic Needs We All Have
- Choosing one’s dreams, goals, and values
- Choosing one’s plan for fulfilling thoses dreams, goals, and values
- Celebrating the creation of life and dreams fulfilled
- Celebrating losses of loved ones, dreams, and so on (mourning)
- Honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)
- Contributing to the enrichment of life (exercising one’s power by giving that which contributes to life)
- Emotional safety
- Movement and exercise
- Protection from life-threatening forms of life, such as viruses, bacteria, insects, predator y animals, and so on
- Sexual expression
The NVC process shows us how to nakedly express how we are and what is alive in us—without any criticism and without any analysis of others that implies wrongness.
The process is based on the assumption that anything that people hear from us that sounds like an analysis or a criticism, or that implies wrongness on their part, prevents us from connecting with them in a way that allows everyone to contribute to one another’s well-being.
This approach to communication emphasizes compassion—rather than fear, guilt, shame, blame, coercion, or threat of punishment—as the motivation for action.
In other words, it is about getting what we want for reasons that we will not regret later. Part of the process is to say clearly, without analysis, criticism, or blame, what is alive in us. Another part is to say clearly what would make life more wonderful for us and to present this information to others as requests and not as demands.
The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process
- Clearly expressing how I am without blaming or criticizing
- Empathically receiving how you are without hearing blame or criticism
- What I observe (see, hear, remember, imagine, free from my evaluations) that does or does not contribute to my well-being: “When I (see, hear) . . .”
- What you observe (see, hear, remember, imagine, free from your evaluations) that does or does not contribute to your well-being: “When you see/hear . . .” (Sometimes unspoken when offering empathy.)
- How I feel (emotion or sensation rather than thought) in relation to what I observe: “I feel…”
- How you feel (emotion or sensation rather than thought) in relation to what you observe: “You feel . . .”
- What I need or value (rather than a preference or a specific action) that causes my feelings: “because I need/value . . .”
- What you need or value (rather than a preference or a specific action) that causes your feelings: “because you need/value . . .”
Clearly requesting that which would enrich my life without demanding
Empathically receiving that which would enrich your life without hearing any demand
The concrete actions I would like taken: “Would you be willing to . . . ?”
The concrete actions you would like taken: “Would you like . . . ?” (Sometimes unspoken when offering empathy.)