Youre Not Listening - What You're Missing and Why It Matters


How much do I want to read more? 8/10

I find it remarkable that a person spent so much effort and time to focus on the skill and art of listening, with interviewing people from all walk of life.
It surely reminds me of my father, who was the greatest listener I ever known. And from whom I inherited some of his skills, listening to my classmates with an attention they couldn't get elsewhere.
Yes listening is taken for granted, and is much more than what we suspect.
I'm glad this book was written, and I surely have lots to be reminded and to know about.
Actually this book is really beautiful. I have thrills in my back,

The times when a person would say, “I’ve never told anyone that before,” or “I didn’t realize I felt that way until I just said it.”
Sometimes the disclosures were so profoundly personal, I was the only other person who knew, and may still be. The person seemed as surprised as I was by what lay between us. Neither of us knew quite how we reached that moment, but it felt important, sacred, and inviolate. It was a shared epiphany wrapped in a shared confidence that touched and changed us both. Listening created the opportunity and served as catalyst.


For anyone who has misunderstood or felt misunderstood

Introduction

When was the last time you listened to someone? Really listened, without thinking about what you wanted to say next.
And when was the last time someone really listened to you? Was so attentive to what you were saying and whose response was so spot-on that you felt truly understood?
“Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.”

To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative.
listening goes beyond just hearing what people say. It’s also paying attention to how they say it and what they do while they are saying it, in what context, and how what they say resonates within you.
A lot of listening has to do with how you respond—the degree to which you elicit clear expression of another person’s thoughts and, in the process, crystallize your own.
to listen poorly, selectively, or not at all is to limit your understanding of the world and deprive yourself of becoming the best you can be.

1- The Lost Art of Listening

People describe me as the type of person who can talk to anyone, but it’s really that I can listen to anyone.
Many of the stories I have written for The Times were a success because I listened to people talk about what made them happy, sad, intrigued, annoyed, concerned, or confused and then tried my best to address and expand on what they said.

design a successful consumer product, provide first-rate customer service, hire and retain the best employees, or sell anything. It’s the same thing that’s required to be a good friend, romantic partner, or parent. It’s all in the listening.

the most memorable and meaningful interviews to me were not the ones that broke open or nailed the story but rather the ones that veered off topic and into the personal—maybe about a relationship, closely held belief, phobia, or formative event. The times when a person would say, “I’ve never told anyone that before,” or “I didn’t realize I felt that way until I just said it.”

Sometimes the disclosures were so profoundly personal, I was the only other person who knew, and may still be. The person seemed as surprised as I was by what lay between us. Neither of us knew quite how we reached that moment, but it felt important, sacred, and inviolate. It was a shared epiphany wrapped in a shared confidence that touched and changed us both. Listening created the opportunity and served as catalyst.

Modern life is making such moments increasingly rare. People used to listen to one another while sitting on front porches and around campfires, but now we are too busy, or too distracted, to explore the depths of one another’s thoughts and feelings.

If someone tells a story that takes longer than thirty seconds, heads bow, not in contemplation but to read texts, check sports scores, or see what’s trending online. The ability to listen to anyone has been replaced by the capacity to shut out everyone, particularly those who disagree with us or don’t get to the point fast enough.

When I interview people—whether it’s a person on the street, CEO, or celebrity—I often get the sense that they are unaccustomed to having someone listen to them. When I respond with genuine interest to what they are saying and encourage them to tell me more, they seem surprised; as if it’s a novel experience. They noticeably relax and become more thoughtful and thorough in their responses, assured I’m not going to rush them, interrupt, or glance at my phone. I suspect that is why so many end up sharing such tender things—unsolicited by me and wholly unrelated to the story I am writing. They find in me someone who will finally, at last, listen to them.

“I’m surrounded by so many people every day but I feel strangely disconnected from them,” one person wrote. Lonely people have no one with whom to share their thoughts and feelings, and, equally important, they have no one who shares thoughts and feelings with them.

eople often feel lonely in the presence of others. How do you connect with people once you’re “out there” and “face-to-face”? You listen to them. It’s not as simple as it sounds. Truly listening to someone is a skill many seem to have forgotten or perhaps never learned in the first place.