Peaceful parent, happy kids - how to stop yelling and start connecting
How much do I want to read more? 8/10
Probably the best parenting book I read so far, if I refer to the ideas presented at the beginning of the book.
I should read it while my daughter is still at a young age, and I have a chance to make a life lasting connection with her.
One generation full of deeply loving parents would change the brain of the next generation, and with that, the world.
-- CHARLES RAISON
Kelly pushed the lawn mower right through the flower bed.
David began to lose control. He had put a lot of time and effort into making those flower beds. The moment his voice climbed higher in a semi-rage Jan quickly ran over to him, put her hand on his shoulder, and said, “David, please remember . . . we’re raising children, not flowers!”
Having Dr. Laura Markham on your bedside table is like having an angel on your shoulder, whispering useful secrets in your ear.
— Jack Canfield
INTRODUCTION - Secrets of Peaceful Parents
Parenting is one of the toughest things we do.
But there are parents who raise wonderful children. They talk to their children differently. They talk to themselves differently.
1. Regulating Yourself
The truth is that managing our own emotions and actions is what allows us to feel peaceful as parents. Ultimately we can’t control our children or the hand life deals them—but we can always control our own actions. Parenting isn’t about what our child does, but about how we respond. In fact, most of what we call parenting doesn’t take place between a parent and child but within the parent.
an adult’s peaceful presence has a more powerful influence on a child than yelling ever could. Your own emotional regulation—a fancy way of saying your ability to stay calm—allows you to treat the people in your life, including the little people, calmly, respectfully, and responsibly. That’s what produces children who are emotionally regulated, respectful and responsible.
2. Fostering Connection
Children thrive when they feel connected and understood. Parenting effectively depends above all on your connection to your child.
Children need to feel deeply connected to their parents or they don’t feel entirely safe, and their brains don’t work well to regulate their emotions and follow parental guidance. So focusing first on connection produces children who are not only happier, but easier.
3. Coaching, Not Controlling
Small humans rebel against force and control, just as big humans do.
What raises great kids is coaching them—to handle their emotions, manage their behavior, and develop mastery—rather than controlling for immediate compliance.
the coaching approach that works best in the long-term to raise happy, responsible adults is actually more effective than traditional parenting in producing self-disciplined, cooperative kids in the medium term.
What’s Different About This Book
Most parenting books focus on changing the child’s behavior.
- Emotion coaching. hands-on tools to coach your child so that she can better manage her emotions, and thus her behavior.
- Loving guidance. a more positive approach to discipline than threatening (“One, two, three…”)
- Supporting mastery. to protect your child’s natural curiosity and support his emerging passions while encouraging the confidence and resilience he needs to succeed in life.
You Can Be a More Peaceful Parent
The more parents I meet, the more convinced I am that all parents are doing their best for their kids. But most parents haven’t been given the information they need.
- “How will she learn to self-soothe if you don’t let her cry?”
- “Praise him and tell him what a good boy he is as often as you can!”
- “Oh, she’s upset . . . quick, distract her!”
- “The best way to stop a tantrum in the supermarket? Tell him you’re going home and just walk away. Believe me, he’ll follow!”
- “She’s just manipulating you.”
I hear from parents who wish they had understood the ideas in this book when their child was born.
Part One - Regulating Yourself
1- Peaceful Parents Raise Happy Kids
There’s an old saying: Raising children is the toughest work there is. But why is it so difficult? When I ask an audience this question, parents usually propose two reasons. First, because the stakes are so high. And second, because there are no clear answers about how to do it right.