The Power of Showing Up - How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired
How much do I want to read more? 7/10
This book is about the psychology of the parent-children relationship to that they flourish in life.
Showing up is to be fully present, physically, emotionally. To go in our child's intimate thoughts and feeling so that we can become aware of it himself.
That's interesting because it's the kind of presence I received from my dad, and it was probably one of the greatest gift I received.
It encourage me to pay more attention to my daughter and to give her some precious moment with intense presence.
If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you.
-- Christopher Robin to Winnie-the-Pooh, Pooh’s Grand Adventure
What are the most important characteristics I should emphasize in my kids? Answers in the "The Yes Brain" book.
Here is a different question, focused on a parent’s approach to child-rearing: What’s the single most important thing I can do for my kids to help them succeed and feel at home in the world?
It's less on which skills and abilities you want to build in your children. More on how you approach the parent-child relationship.
Our answer is simple: Show up for your kids.
Chapter 1 - What it means to show up
When you’re not sure how to respond in a given situation with your child, don’t worry. just show up.
It means being there for your kids. It means being physically present, as well as providing a quality of presence.
Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—when you’re with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment.
What showing up looks like: The four S
- Safe — they feel protected and sheltered from harm;
- Seen - they know you care about them and pay attention to them;
- Soothed - they know you’ll be there for them when they’re hurting;
- Secure - they trust you to predictably help them feel “at home” in the world, then learn to help themselves feel safe, seen, and soothed.
the experiences you provide in terms of your relationship with your child will literally mold the physical structure of her brain.
when parents consistently show up, their children’s minds come to expect that the world is a place that can be understood and meaningfully interacted with—even in times of trouble and pain—because the experiences you provide shape the ways the brain processes information. The brain learns to anticipate certain realities, based on what has happened before.
So when you are present for them, they come to expect positive interactions—from others, and from themselves. Kids learn who they are and who they can and should be, in both good times and bad, through their interactions with us, their parents.
Introducing the Four S
A securely attached relationship enables a child to feel at home in the world and to interact with others as an authentic individual who knows who she is. She approaches the world from what we’ve called a Yes Brain, interacting with new opportunities and challenges from a position of openness, curiosity, and receptiveness, rather than rigidity, fear, and reactivity.
Kids feel safe when they feel protected physically, emotionally, and relationally.
seeing a child is more than just being physically present. focusing our attention on their inner feelings, thoughts.
we pay attention to their emotions, both positive and negative.
We tune in to their internal landscape.
Research has demonstrated that when we see our child’s mind, our child will learn to see his own mind as well. We call this ability “mindsight”, and it’s at the heart of emotional and social intelligence.
Difficult moments are where they often learn and grow the most.
soothing our children isn’t about getting rid of the waves they will inevitably face in life’s ocean. It’s about teaching them to ride the waves when they come—and being with them when they need us.