EIGHTH CHOICE - Game vs. Shame
1/ Maybe I can shame myself into it
It would be destructive to punish the dolphin for not jumping through the hoop. Why would what is destructive in training animals work on people?
Why do we not understand that when we talk to ourselves?
Why do we just keep criticizing ourselves inside our minds?
2/ Motivation will no longer be necessary
“Should” deflates and contracts.
Games inflate and expand.
NINTH CHOICE - The Want-to vs. the How-to
2/ You don’t know how to do it?
If my teenage son is not cleaning his room it will never occur to me to go to him with a manual or a little e-book that teaches How to Clean Your Room. I know what’s missing is not the how-to. What’s missing is the want-to.
It’s not that we don’t know how to do things.
achievement is about movement. It’s not about rumination.
3/ Will you take a carrot or a stick?
if I had to do this—if I had to sell a certain amount of product or if I had to raise a certain amount of money or if I had to have a great relationship with this person—what would I do? What steps would I take?
What if someone put a handgun to my head and I had to do this to stay alive? I picture that.
I start to brainstorm with myself.
the people I need to communicate with and the actions I need to take.
If I knew that I would get a million dollars if I did this;
how would I approach it differently? What would I do differently right now?
4/ It’s hard to replace lost people
I right now, personally, have a really huge desire to do this. Because I want to show you the difference between the how-to and the want-to. In other words, I really want your sales staff to bring people in and refer people to you.
And because this is something I really want to have happen, I’m going to show you that it will happen even though I don’t know how.
"when you have your two names, bring the card up to me and then we can all leave."
TENTH CHOICE - Agreement vs. Expectation
1/ Relationship problems can be solved
What solves our relationship problems with other human beings?
And what causes those problems to begin with?
do you have expectations of someone in your life? How is that working out?
One: the other person will not meet your expectation and you’ll be disappointed;
two: they will meet your expectation, and because you expected it, you won’t feel anything.
agreement involve the other to choose some of the input of his choice, so both get concerned and will do their best for the outcome.
2/ This can be a work of art
Expectations are stressful.
Agreements are creative by nature.
3/ A house built on shouting
“So you’re all treating some unknown person far better than you are treating yourselves, your family—the people you love the most.”
“You could go to Domino’s and buy one of their uniforms and hats, and the next time some family member starts arguing with you, you can go into your room and put the uniform on and re-emerge. I think when they saw you in that pizza uniform they would treat you really differently.”
5/ Expectations weigh a lot
“How do I find out what my expectations are?” she said.
I asked her to make a list of her disappointments.
7/ But what if we are not saints?
Kathy and I have been together for over twenty-five years, and we’ve never had a real fight.
I’ve decided it’s not the kind of behavior I want to indulge in.
8/ Learning from the Godfather movies
Human beings do not like breaking their word. People will do a lot to keep their word. People will not live up to your expectations. but they will try to keep their word.
10/ Life as an unexpected pleasure
What an unexpected pleasure life is to a child!
12/ Life beyond just good enough
Your husband and you have some real problems.
But what if… What if your only job was to love him? How would that simplify your life? You could have a life with no expectations of him whatsoever.
It is possible, and I’ve worked with people who have learned to do it—to go home, and walk into the home, and have absolutely no expectations whatsoever of any person in that home.