How much do I want to read more? 3/10
I skimmed the book and couldn't find good value in it.
Just a reminder about Non Violent Communication, but I'd rather read a book from Marshall Rosenberg than this one.
4: The Foundation Question
The Foundation Question: “What Do You Want?”
“What do you want?” I sometimes call it the Goldfish Question because it often elicits that response: slightly bugged eyes, and a mouth opening and closing with no sound coming out.
We often don’t know what we actually want. Even if there’s a first, fast answer, the question “But what do you really want?” will typically stop people in their tracks.
[quote, George Bernard Shaw]
“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
Untangling Wants and Needs
Want: I’d like to have this.
Need: I must have this.
In Rosenberg’s model, wants are the surface requests, the tactical outcomes we’d like from a situation. A want could be anything from getting a report done by a certain date to understanding whether you need to attend a meeting or not.
Needs go deeper, and identifying them helps you pull back the curtain to understand the more human driver who might be behind the want.
nine self-explanatory universal needs.
When you ask someone, “What do you want?” listen to see if you can guess the need that likely lies behind the person’s request.
For example, when someone says, “I want you to talk to the VP for me,” he might really be needing protection (I’m too junior) or participation (I need you to do your part in this project).
When someone tells you, “I want to leave early today,” she might really be asking for understanding (it’s difficult at home) or creation (I need to go to my class).
When someone says, “I want you to do a new version of the report,” the base need might be freedom (I don’t want to do it), identity (I want you to know I’m the boss here) or subsistence (my success depends on your getting this right.)
When we each understand what the other wants, we’re in the middle of an interesting and worthwhile conversation.
Five Times a Second
Five times a second, at an unconscious level, your brain is scanning the environment around you and asking itself: Is it safe here? Or is it dangerous?