Segment Three Your Relationship with Others
Chapter 7 The Way You See Others
THE GOOD FINDERS
100 self-made millionaires. They ranged in age from about 21 to well over 70. Their educational background varied from grade school to the Ph.D. level.
Nevertheless, they did have one thing in common. All of them were “good finders.” They could see the good in other people—and in every situation.
I’m confident you’ve heard the story of the little boy who, in a fit of anger, shouted to his mother that he hated her. Then, perhaps fearing punishment, he ran out of the house to the hillside and shouted into the valley, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.” Back from the valley came the echo, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.” Somewhat startled, the little boy ran back into the house and told his mother there was a mean little boy in the valley saying he hated him. His mother took him back to the hillside and told him to shout, “I love you, I love you.” The little boy did as his mother said and this time he discovered there was a nice little boy in the valley saying, “I love you, I love you.”
Life is an echo. What you send out comes back. What you sow you reap. What you give you get. What you see in others exists in you.
Regardless of who you are or what you do, if you are looking for the best way to reap the most reward in all areas of life, you should look for the good in every person and in every situation and adopt the golden rule as a way of life.
It’s a universal truth that you treat people exactly like you see them. It’s also true that all you have to do to find “good” or “ability” in a person is to look for it. Once you find that “good” or “ability” in the other person, you treat him better and he performs better. So it’s good “business” and good “humanness” to be a “good finder.”
DON’T TAKE THE MOON DOWN
After you have “found” the good, be sure to do some good by spreading the word. Many times people see the good and then keep it a secret.
We visited one of these mammoth warehouses, and as we entered he paused in front of the switchboard operator and said, “I want to tell you what a beautiful job you are doing on the switchboard. You make people feel as though you are delighted they called.” The switchboard operator smiled broadly and said, “Thank you, Mr. Hailey, that’s what I try to do.” Next, we walked into the office section. As we passed one department, Mr. Hailey said, “Excuse me, Zig, let’s go in here. I want you to meet this man.” He walked in, introduced himself, and said, “You know, I haven’t gotten to know you, but I know your department and I wanted you to know I’m aware of what is happening. Since you have taken over this department, we haven’t had the first complaint, which is a tribute to you.” The man grinned and said, “Well, thank you, Mr. Hailey, I’m doing the best I can.”
“Zig, I want to introduce you to the greatest secretary who ever sat behind a desk.” Then to the secretary, “You know, I don’t think I have ever told you this, but my wife thinks you hung the moon, and she believes you can go take it down any time, so I’m going to ask you not to do that.” She smiled and said, “I appreciate hearing that.” We walked into the insurance office and he said, “Zig, shake hands with one of the greatest insurance men who ever put on a pair of shoes.”
The entire trip took less than three minutes, but Walter Hailey gave each of these people something to live up to. He left them better than he found them.
He gave them some sincere appreciation, which built enthusiasm for their jobs and their company.
As a result, I can assure you they worked more effectively and efficiently. I can also assure you Walter Hailey felt better as a result of the trip—and so did I. It is impossible to influence someone else for the good and give them a boost without gaining a benefit yourself.
THE PROBLEM IS
Recognizing the need for professional voice training, the family sent her to a well-known voice teacher.
He was a perfectionist who demanded top performance at all times. Any time the girl would waver a bit or miss her timing in the least, he carefully pointed out her errors. Over a period of time, her admiration for her teacher deepened. Despite the age difference and the fact that he was more critical than complimentary, she fell in love with him and they got married.
He continued to teach her, but her friends started detecting changes in her beautiful natural voice. It took on a strained quality and no longer had the clear excitement that it formerly possessed. Gradually, invitations to sing came less frequently. Finally, they virtually stopped. Then her husband-teacher died and for the next few years she did little or no singing.
Her talent was hardly used, and lay dormant until an exuberant salesman began courting her. On occasion, when she would hum a little tune or a melody would burst forth, he would marvel at the beauty of her voice. “Sing some more, Honey. You have the most beautiful voice in all the world,” he would say.
Now the fact of the matter is, he might not have known whether she was good, bad, or indifferent, but he did know he liked her voice very much. So he showered her with praise. Not too surprisingly, her confidence returned and she began to receive invitations to sing again. Still later, she married the “good finder” and went on to a successful career of her own.
I would like to emphasize that the salesman’s praise for her was totally honest, sincere, and much needed. In fact, a sincere compliment is one of the most effective teaching and motivational methods in existence. Compliments may seem to be just so much air, but like the air we use to fill the tires on our automobiles, they can really ease us along life’s highway.
YOU ARE A BUSINESSMAN
A New York businessman dropped a dollar into the cup of a man selling pencils and hurriedly stepped aboard the subway train. On second thought, he stepped back off the train, walked over to the beggar, and took several pencils from the cup. Apologetically, he explained that in his haste he had neglected to pick up his pencils and hoped the man wouldn’t be upset with him. “After all,” he said, “you are a businessman just like me. You have merchandise to sell and it’s fairly priced.” Then he caught the next train.
At a social function a few months later, a neatly dressed salesman stepped up to the businessman and introduced himself. “You probably don’t remember me and I don’t know your name, but I will never forget you. You are the man who gave me back my self-respect. I was a ‘beggar’ selling pencils until you came along and told me I was a businessman.”
A wise man said, “A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could.” How do you see others? The greatest good we can do for anyone is not to share our wealth with them, but rather to reveal their own wealth to them. It’s astonishing how much talent and ability rests inside a human being. We devoted considerable time in the first two segments selling you on you. Just as the first step to success is knowing your own potential, the second step is knowing the potential of others. Fortunately, as we recognize our own ability, it’s easy to recognize the ability of others. Once we see it, we can help them discover it for themselves.
THE BANKERS SAID NO
The question most people ask is why and how Mary Crowley and her company achieved such remarkable success since it was founded in December 1957. The answer is simple, but it goes far below the surface. If I had to sum up Mary Crowley and her success in a few words, I would say that she reached the heights she did because of the depth of her beliefs. She believed that “one person with a belief is equal to a force of ninety-nine who have only an interest.” She believed in the enormous potential in everyone, and was determined to give her sales ladies an unlimited opportunity for growth and financial success. She believed that if you build people mentally, morally, physically, and spiritually, they will build the business on the same foundation. By any standard, Mary Crowley was a “rich” woman, but she was rich not because of what she had (and that was a bunch), but because of what she gave away (and that was an even bigger bunch).
Mary said it beautifully in her book, Think Mink. A few of her real gems include,
“Don’t get the rabbit habit—think mink,”
“People need loving the most when they deserve it the least,”
“Worry is a misuse of the imagination,”
“God will mend even a broken heart if we give Him all the pieces,”
“Don’t be an ‘if’ thinker, be a ‘how’ thinker,”
“You may give out but never give up,”
“Develop a swelled heart, not a swelled head,”
“I love God’s mathematics. Joy adds and multiplies as you divide it with others,”
“Be somebody—God doesn’t take time to make a nobody.”
The story of Mary Crowley and Home Interiors hasn’t been all sunshine and roses. There has been much blood, sweat, and tears, but never any shortage in the important things—plenty of love, faith, enthusiasm, compassion, determination, and plain hard work. That, my friends, gives you all the good things life has to offer. Mary Crowley’s story is the classic case and it’s one any lawyer could use in court to prove that you can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.
Here’s the interesting thing. There were no genius rats or idiot rats. They were all average rats out of the same litter. The difference in performance was the direct result of the difference in the attitude of the students conducting the series of experiments. In short, the students treated the rats “differently” because they saw them “differently,” and different treatment brings on different results. The students didn’t know rat language, but rats have attitudes and attitude is a universal language.
Here’s a question for you. What kind of children do you have? If you’re a salesman, what kind of prospects have you been seeing? If you are a sales manager, what kind of salesmen do you have? If you are a doctor, what kind of patients have you been treating? If you are an employer, what kind of employees do you have? If you are a husband, what kind of wife do you have? If you are a wife, what kind of husband do you have?
The only difference was in the attitude of the teacher. The teacher thought the average students were geniuses, so they were treated like geniuses, expected to perform like geniuses, and they did. They were given something to live up to and not something to live down to. It’s true that the way you see “them” is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is the way they often become.
Here’s another question. Have your kids gotten any smarter the last five minutes? What about the sales people in your organization? Did your employees or associates become more productive, wiser, more professional and more skillful during those few minutes?
What about your wife? Has she gotten prettier and more interesting? Or did your husband grow in stature? If these things didn’t happen, let me urge you to turn back the pages and read again, because you missed the point, and your family, friends, and associates have a problem—it’s you.
The poet expressed it beautifully when he said, “If you take a man as he is, you make him worse than he was, but if you see him as being the best person possible, then he, in fact, becomes the best person possible.” If your kids, while you were reading these words, have suddenly gotten smarter, if a husband, wife or associate improved, let me say, “Congratulations, you are the one who is making progress.”
Wooden saw the total person in his basketball players and was just as concerned with their morals as with their quickness. He also believed and taught that everything in life was enhanced by working with consideration for the other person. Team spirit, dedication, loyalty, enthusiasm, poise, and condition were all trademarks of his teams. Since his teams won 10 out of 12 national championships, including seven in a row, there isn’t much way we can disagree with his philosophy. It might surprise you to learn that this winner of all winners didn’t consider winning the most important thing. As a matter of fact, he never mentioned winning to his players. He stressed “best effort” for everybody and felt that a player should feel bad only if he didn’t give it his all.
YOU ARE A LOUSY FOOTBALL PLAYER
as only Lombardi could. “Son, you are a lousy football player. You’re not blocking, you’re not tackling, you’re not putting out. As a matter of fact, it’s all over for you today. Go take a shower.” The big guard dropped his head and walked into the dressing room. Forty-five minutes later, when Lombardi walked in, he saw the big guard sitting in front of his locker still wearing his uniform. His head was bowed and he was sobbing quietly.
“Son,” he said, “I told you the truth. You are a lousy football player. You’re not blocking, you’re not tackling, you’re not putting out. However, in all fairness to you, I should have finished the story. Inside of you, Son, there is a great football player and I’m going to stick by your side until the great football player inside of you has a chance to come out and assert himself.” With these words, Jerry Kramer straightened up and felt a great deal better. As a matter of fact, he felt so much better he went on to become one of the all-time greats in football and was voted the all-time guard in the first 50 years of professional football.
That was Lombardi. He saw things in men that they seldom saw in themselves. He had the ability to inspire his men to use the talent they had. As a result, these players gave Lombardi three consecutive world championships at Green Bay.
Lombardi called Sonny to his side, put his arm around him and said, “Gentlemen, this is the greatest quarterback to ever step on a football field.” Is it any wonder that Jurgensen had his best year ever? Lombardi saw the good in others, treated them like he saw them, and helped develop the “good” that was inside of them.
In Little Annie’s case, they saw no hope for her, so she was consigned to a living death in that small cage, which received little light and even less hope.
About that time, an elderly nurse in the institution was nearing retirement. She felt there was hope for all of God’s creatures, so she started taking her lunch into the dungeon and eating outside Little Annie’s cage. She felt perhaps she could communicate some love and hope to the little girl.
Little Annie did not wish to leave. The place had meant so much to her she felt she could make a contribution if she stayed and worked with the other patients. The elderly nurse had seen and brought out so much in her life that Little Annie felt she could see and help develop something in others.
How do you explain the fact that even though you were both blind and deaf, you were able to accomplish so much?” Without a moment’s hesitation, Helen Keller said that had it not been for Anne Sullivan (Little Annie), the name Helen Keller would have remained unknown.
It’s not too well known, but Helen Keller was a normal, healthy baby before some mysterious disease left her almost helpless and hopeless. Anne Sullivan saw Helen Keller as one of God’s very special people. She treated her as she saw her, loved her, disciplined her, played, prayed, pushed, and worked with her until the flickering candle that was her life became a beacon that helped light the pathways and lighten the burdens of people all over the world. Yes, Helen Keller influenced millions after her own life was touched by “Little Annie.”
THE EYES HAVE IT
“Sir, I could not help but notice that you permitted all the other riders to pass without asking for a ride. Then, when I drew abreast, you immediately asked me for a ride. I’m curious as to why you didn’t ask them and why you did ask me?” The old man quietly responded, “I looked into their eyes and could see no love, and knew in my own heart it would be useless to ask for a ride. But when I looked into your eyes, I saw compassion, love, and the willingness to help. I knew you would be glad to give me the ride across the river.”
With this the rider very humbly said, “You know, I’m very grateful for what you are saying. I appreciate it very much.”
there is a vast difference between giving advice and lending a hand. You and your encouragement might well be, for one or more people, that all-important ride across the river. Harvey Firestone, who helped people climb the mountains of accomplishment, expressed it beautifully when he said, “You get the best out of others when you give the best of yourself.”
SEE A NEED—AND FILL IT
Almost immediately she recognized that other men and women faced similar problems, so she started extending a helping hand to them. Result: They built the number one distributorship in the entire country.
Their remarkable success is the result of seeing the needs of others and doing something about those needs. You do treat people like you see them, and if you see others as Vern and LaVon do, then you, too, will be getting a lot because you will be giving a lot.
FEED OTHERS — EAT WELL YOURSELF
Then he saw the answer. Each person in Hell had been trying to feed himself. A knife and fork with a four-foot handle made this impossible. Each person in Heaven was feeding the one across the table from him and was being fed by the one sitting on the opposite side. By helping one another they helped themselves.
The message is clear. The way you see situations and people is extremely important because you treat people and situations exactly as you see them. That’s one reason I keep reminding you that you can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want
CHAPTER 8 - Good Or Bad, You Pass It On
MIDDLE KIDS ARE “DIFFERENT”
As everybody knows, the middle child is “different” and is often the “problem” child. We knew in advance we would have problems with our middle daughter because all our friends and relatives assured us the middle child is “different.”
This difference is supposed to be the result of not having the security and independence of being the oldest child, nor the affection and attention generally accorded the youngest.
What no one told us was that the “difference” is positive or negative depending on the way you treat the child.
Neighbors and family dropped in for the usual visits, commented extensively on how beautiful our new baby was
Then they would turn to our oldest daughter, Suzan, and say to her, “My goodness, what a big girl you are!
And the comments flowed about the baby and the older daughter. But what about that oddball stuck off over there in the middle of the family?
If I commented once, I must have commented a thousand times, “Why does Cindy whine so much? Why can’t she be like Suzan and Julie? Why is she different? Why isn’t she happier and more cheerful?”
She wasn’t different when she started, but we made her different.
We learned you can’t plant negative instructions and raise a positive child anymore than you can plant beans and raise potatoes.
“This is the little girl everybody loves because she is so happy. She laughs and smiles all the time, don’t you, Baby?”
We believe one of the most useful and important traits you can develop in your children is genuine courtesy and respect for the authority of the parents. We believe children feel more secure knowing they have someone to respect as a parent rather than just a friend or buddy. We required “Yes, Sir” and “Yes, Ma’am.”
Tell them what your name is, Baby.” She grabbed my coat sleeve and said, “Daddy, I’ve changed my name.” Somewhat surprised, I said, “What is your name now, Baby?” Smiling bigger than ever, she responded, “I’m the Happy Tadpole.”
The neighbors on both sides of us wanted to know what had happened to Cindy. Well, something had happened to Cindy, but it didn’t happen until Mother and Dad started seeing her as a child who deserved the best we had to offer.
When we saw her in a new light we treated her like the cheerful, happy girl she was entitled to be—and that’s the kind of girl she became, so today we call her “Sweetning.” Yes, you treat people like you “see” them, so it’s extremely important that we learn to “see” others properly.
THREE LITTLE GIRLS
He brought his three daughters who were about three, five, and seven years of age. They were dressed in pretty dresses and looked like little dolls. Incredibly enough, this is the way he introduced them: “This is the one who won’t eat, this is the one who won’t mind her mother, and this is the one who cries all the time.”
There is no question in my mind about this man’s love for those three little ones. It showed all over his face and in his eyes as he hugged and played with them. Unfortunately, he was giving them something to “live down to.” The way he saw them was the way he was treating them. He was giving powerful, negative instructions to each one. Chances are he often lamented the fact that he had one little girl who “wouldn’t eat,” and one who “wouldn’t mind her mother,” and one who “cried all the time.” Tragically, the odds are a thousand to one he never knew why. It’s true we reap what we sow—as well as what others sow in our minds. That makes it doubly important to see our little ones properly, because the way we see them determines what we sow in them, which, to a large degree, determines what they become.
it makes you wonder how many people have been consigned to mediocrity by someone who “saw” them in an inferior light and treated them accordingly.
Personally, I think the professor should work harder so he could say he was such a good teacher that many of the students would make “A’s” and everyone would learn in his course. Don’t misunderstand. I’m not hinting that a teacher should brag on the students and tell them they are doing well, regardless of how they actually are doing. That approach leads to academic suicide.
We need to look for the total ability of the student, develop more patience, compassion, and firmness in dealing with him or her, and be more analytical of what the student does and not so critical of the student.
Criticize the performance—not the performer.
In short, when dealing with students, give them lots of encouragement, but don’t lie to them or mislead them by telling them they are doing well when they are not.
Encourage them by letting them know they can do better work—that their assignment or performance is not up to their standards. When their image changes, so will their performance.
Convince them they can—and they will.
QUEEN OF SALES
“Mr. Beveridge, you don’t know who I am tonight, but this time next year you will because I am going to be the Queen of Sales.”
She felt it was far better and more important to reveal to the person what they already had than it was to give that person part of what she had.
Mary Kay Cosmetics sold approximately $2 billion at retail, and had more than 500,000 independent beauty consultants. Today, it is a multi-billion-dollar company and is represented in 29 foreign countries.
There are many reasons for this success story, but it all started when someone “saw” something special in Mary Kay. It continued and grew because she kept things in proper prospective. She teaches her people that God comes first, the family second, and Mary Kay Cosmetics third. She also “saw” and “sees” enormous abilities in her people and treats them accordingly. As a result, she “sees” them all over the country, driving around in Mary Kay pink Cadillacs.
YOU KNOW HOW SCARED YOU ARE OF PEOPLE
Then, as she leaped like an animal for her child, she exclaimed, “You come here to me. You know how scared you are of people!”
Can’t you just imagine how many things the child is going to be “scared of” before she is grown?
I’ll have to plead guilty, as I did in the story of my middle daughter, to much of the same thing until someone taught me better.
IT PAYS TO SHARE
One of the young boys who came to Major Anderson’s home every Saturday morning was a Scottish lad who was extremely grateful for the opportunity to spend the day reading. Apparently, he learned a great deal in the process, because Andrew Carnegie went on to become one of the most productive and wealthy men in America.
He created the Carnegie libraries all over the United States. Untold thousands of people still benefit from his generosity.
Of course, the most remarkable thing is the more you “pass on” to others, the more you keep for yourself.
Interestingly enough, the one observation made most often about Senator Percy is his uncanny ability to see the potential in another person and then persuade that person to use his ability.
A SUBSTITUTE EMCEE
The most intriguing thing about David, however, was his age. He was 66 years old and one of the hardest-working men I have ever seen. Incidentally, he was our yard man, and his story has several lessons. It reaffirms that we can’t judge a book by its cover. His story also proves how you do what you do gives dignity to any honest labor.
DON’T HIRE HIM—HE’S AN EX-CON
Surely you have heard you can only see in others what is inside of you. Look for the good in others—that’s the best way to find the good in yourself.
MOST OF US HAVE DOUBLE STANDARDS
A baker suspected that the farmer who was supplying his butter was giving him short weight. He carefully checked the weight and his suspicions were confirmed. Highly indignant, he had the farmer arrested. At the trial the judge was satisfied and the baker chagrined at the farmer’s explanation. He (the farmer) had no scales so he used balances and for a weight he used a one-pound loaf of bread bought daily from the baker.
Let me again stress that I believe the penalty should be paid when the law is broken, but, in all fairness, we should then mark the offender’s account “paid in full.” This gives him our vote of confidence which will help restore his self-confidence. When this happens, chances are much better the offender will become self-supporting and contribute to society. A lot depends on how we see him. In reality, the ex-con is ahead of many of us because in some ways he has paid his debt while ours is unpaid because we were not caught.
this practical approach would reduce crime even further if it were started in the home, by the parents, at an early age. This can be done, as Dr. James Dobson so convincingly points out in his book Dare to Discipline, by understanding that discipline is something you do for a child and not to a child.
parents should understand that discipline is directed at the objectionable behavior of the child and is regarded as corrective love, so it is accepted by the individual.
Punishment is a response that is directed at the individual and is regarded as a hostile thrust, so it is deeply resented.
To make certain the child understands the difference, Dr. Glasser suggests a loving conclusion to the disciplinary session. This loving control enables a parent to express personal worth to the child.
You do affect others either for good or for bad, positively or negatively. That’s one reason it’s so important to maintain a proper perspective and a good attitude toward others. We play a role in the life of each person we touch. As a matter of fact, we may well hold the key to one’s future.
An old man sat in a cathedral playing the organ.
He was a skilled organist playing sad and melancholy songs because he was being replaced by a younger man.
As the old man drew abreast of him, the young man extended his hand and said, “Please, the key.”
The old man had played beautifully and skillfully, but the young man played with sheer genius. Music such as the world had never heard came from the organ. It filled the cathedral, the town, and even the countryside. This was the world’s first exposure to the music of Johann Sebastian Bach. The old man, with tears streaming down his cheeks, said, “Suppose, just suppose, I had not given the master the key.”
It’s a sobering thought, because we hold the key to the future of others. We don’t live alone. Our actions and deeds affect other people, many of whom we will never know.
That’s the reason our obligation and responsibility for doing the best we can with what we have goes beyond our own personal lives.